Steadfastness

Marked two more things off my To Do list this morning. And I've started several of the other things. I have to wait on other people for some of them. Waiting on other people can be frustrating, but I am starting a campaign of not being so easily irritated by people.

Thursday morning, I felt so beat down, mentally. I had really wanted to HEAR FROM GOD on Wednesday. And it just did not happen the way I wanted it to. I knew that what was going on in my heart was "there is no peace and well being because you have left teaching your children of the Lord (Is. 54:13.)" I knew that. But there was no peace in my heart and no will to move forward.

You know those FB status updates, "If you have brothers you love blah blah blah...post this. X% won't."? Those irritate me. So I posted, "When is it going to be tired moms' week?" One of my IRL friends, said take your coffee and Bible outside. So I did. Sitting on FB one more minute was not going to energize me. Every cell in my body was saying, "Please, do what Mrs. Lucy says!" (They talk to me in a Bill Cosby voice.)

I have a little book called 101 Devotions for Homeschool Moms. I bought it as a door prize for our homeschool group. I had a copy of my own a long time ago, I gave it to my sister. Sitting around our house, the back cover got creased, so I don't feel like I can give it away, now.

The devotional didn't speak to me. Devotionals rarely do, anymore. Nothing wrong with them, at this point in my life I just need WORD. But I took it outside and opened it up anyway.

The verse that day was Psalm 51:10. Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me.
I whipped out my iPhone (I took it for the iPod for some worship music!) and opened the dictionary app.

Steadfast - fixed in direction, firm in purpose, unwavering, firmly established. 

Ugh! I am so wretched! Why do I waver so? Why do I entertain fantasies about sending N to a private university model school? That is not the direction God said to go! You are feeding a monster. Tear down those thoughts! At what point did I leave off teaching God's ways to the boys? Did I really think that by virtue of having them at home that their lives would be peaceful? (I think I did.)

And note that spirit in that verse is not capitalized. It's MY spirit that needs to be renewed. I also note that this verse is a petition, a request to the Lord to renew a  steadfast spirit. I don't have to do it myself!

The verse in today's devotional (do what works, huh?) was 1 Cor. 3:5. Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think anything as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God. ...sigh... His grace, His power, is sufficient to renew a steadfast spirit in me. It really is. I need only to believe.